Racismo

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Como um adolescente vê o seu quarto

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Nutrição

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Regresso a casa

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Viciado

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Nunca pedir favores a designers

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree.

How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat.

The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash.

In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window.

I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water.

I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.

If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him.

Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races.

If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

---

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

---

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

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O futuro

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OS MAIS PEQUENOS LIVROS QUE ALGUMA VEZ FORAM ESCRITOS

(OBS: Isto é uma lista dos anos 90, portanto, está bastante desactualizada.)


¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
1) Guia das Democracias Arabes
2) Uma Viagem atraves da Mente de Carla Caldeira
3) Contracepcao, pelo Papa Bento XVI
4) UNIX facil
5) Controlo de Centrais Nucleares com Windows 95
6) Perspectiva Somali sobre o Dominio Mundial
7) Tudo o que os Homens sabem sobre as Mulheres
8) Elogios Femininos sobre o Sexo Masculino
9) Hospitalidade Francesa
10) Guia Gastronomico da Gra-Bretanha
11) Grandes Beldades Britanicas
12) Historia Norte-Americana
13) Amor ao Proximo, Jean Marie Le Pen (prefacio de Mobutu Seseseko)
14) Direitos dos Trabalhadores, por Jardim Gonçalves e Belmiro de Azevedo (Patented edition by Ingo K.)
15) Madrilenos Simpaticos
16) Gramatica da Lingua Francesa, por Mario Soares
17) Castidade e Bom Gosto, por Teresa Guilherme
18) A Honra acima de Tudo, por Mario Conde
19) Normas de Etiqueta, de Mike Tyson
20) Guia de Pinto da Costa para Comportamento com a Comunicacao Social (introducao de Alberto Joao Jardim)
21) Manifesto Anti-Alcoolico, de Boris Yeltsin
22) Como Melhorar as Pescas em Portugal, por Emma Bonino
23) Os Mais Famosos Arbitros de Futebol, de Vitor Calheiros
24) Etica e Deontologia para Jornalistas, de Francisco Balsemao (com anotações de Emidio Rangel)
25) Politicos Honestos, de Duarte Lima

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Árabes a dançar ao ritmo de Michael Jackson

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Tarado atrai vítima para sua casa e tenta cometer actos ilícitos

Sinceramente, onde pára a nossa sociedade?

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Porque é que o frango atravessou a estrada?

PROFESSOR DA PRIMARIA
Porque queria ir para o outro lado.

PLATAO
Porque ia em busca do bem.

ARISTOTELES
Esta na natureza dos frangos atravessar a estrada.

MARX
Era uma inevitabilidade historica.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
O accao do frango constituiu a infame Mae e Pai de todas as accoes de espionagem! Mas o povo iraquiano ergueu-se em justa auto-defesa e esmagou a forca inimiga atingindo gloriosamente o frango com 50 toneladas de gas toxico!

RONALD REAGAN
Porque... qual era a pergunta? Ah!, pois, o frango. Bem, porque, euh, bem esqueci-me...

CAPITAO KIRK
Para chegar ousadamente onde frango algum jamais havia chegado.

HIPOCRATES
Devido a um excesso de humores no pancreas.

MARTIN LUTHER KING
Vejo um mundo no qual todos os frangos serao livres para atravessar a estrada sem que sejam questionados os seus motivos.

MAQUIAVEL
A questao e que o frango atravessou a estrada. A quem importa porque? O fim de atravessar a estrada justifica qualquer motivo.

FREUD
A preocupacao com o motivo que levou o frango a atravessar a estrada revela um recalcamento da libido ao nivel do subconsciente, possivelmente associado a inseguranca sexual originada pelo receio de tendencias homossexuais latentes.

BILL GATES
A Microsoft acaba de lancar o Microsoft Frango 2000, que nao so atravessa estradas, como tambem poe ovos, arquiva documentos importantes e faz contas.

DARWIN
Ao longo da evolucao, a accao da seleccao natural sobre os frangos favoreceu os mais aptos a atravessar a estrada, de forma que so esses sobreviveram.

EINSTEIN
Se o frango atravessou a estrada ou a se estrada se deslocou sob o frango depende do ponto de vista do observador.

BUDA
A pergunta e uma negacao da propria natureza do frango.

HEMINGWAY
Para morrer. Sob a chuva.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING
A desregulacao do lado da estrada onde se encontrava o frango estava a ameacar a sua posicao dominante no mercado. O frango enfrentava importantes obstaculos para criar e desenvolver as competencias necessarias para encarar a competitividade do mercado. A Andersen Consulting, numa relacao de socio e cliente, colaborou com o frango desenhando a sua estrategia de distribuicao fisica e respectivos processos de implantacao.

Empregando o Metodo de Integracao Avicola (MIA), a Andersen Consulting ajudou o frango a utilizar as suas habilidades, metodologia, conhecimento, capital e experiencias para adequar o pessoal ao processo e tecnologia do frango no apoio de sua estrategia global dentro de um marco de trabalho de Gestao de Programas. Para este projecto, a Andersen Consulting convocou uma equipa multidisciplinar de analistas de estradas e melhores frangos que, junto com outros consultores da Andersen com profundas habilidades na industria do transporte, promoveram durante dois dias uma serie de reunioes com o objetivo de aproveitar o seu capital pessoal de conhecimento, tanto explicito como implicito, e de lhes permitir obter sinergias entre si para conseguir as metas implicitas da entrega e modelo optimo e implementando um marco de valores de empresa atraves da continuidade de processos avicolas. As reunioes foram realizadas num ambiente que reproduzia um parque, possibilitando e criando um modelo de alto impacto que estava
estrategicamente situado, centrado na industria e elaborando uma mensagem consistente, clara e unica frente ao mercado, alienado com a missao, visao e valores principais do frango. Isto conduziu a criacao de uma solucao integradora de negocio total. A Andersen Consulting ajudou a que a mudanca do frango ocorresse com o maior sucesso. O frango conseguiu a certificacao de AENOR, cumprindo a norma ISO 9000. (O frango veio mais tarde a morrer atropelado devido a demora
em atravessar a estrada).

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Descrição de ocorrências nas participações de sinistro do ramo automóvel em 1998

* " O peão não sabia para onde ia, então eu atropelei-o..."

* "Vi um velho enrolado, de cara triste, quando ele caiu do tejadilho do meu carro."

* "Eu tinha a certeza que o velho não conseguia chegar ao outro lado da estrada, por isso atropelei-o."

* "Fui cuspido para fora do carro, quando ele saiu da estrada. Mais tarde, fui encontrado numa vala por umas vacas perdidas"

* "Pensei que o meu vidro estava aberto, mas descobri que estava fechado quando pus a cabeça de fora."

* "Bati contra um carro parado que vinha em direcção contrária."

* "Saí do estacionamento, olhei para a cara da minha sogra e caí pela ribanceira abaixo."

* "O tipo andava aos ziguezagues de uma lado para o outro da estrada. Tive que me desviar uma porção de vezes antes de o atropelar."

* "Já conduzia há 40 anos quando adormeci ao volante e sofri o acidente."

* "Um carro invisível veio de não sei de onde, bateu no meu carro e desapareceu."

* "O meu carro estava estacionado correctamente, quando foi bater de traseira no outro carro."

* "De regresso a casa, entrei com o meu carro na casa errada e bati numa árvore que não é a minha."

* "A camioneta bateu de traseira no meu pára-brisas, em cheio na cabeça da minha mulher."

* "Disse à policia que não me tinha magoado, mas quando tirei o chapéu, percebi que tinha fracturado o crânio."

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"O pássaro madrugador pode apanhar a minhoca mas o rato que chega em segundo fica com o pedaço de queijo."

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O Carteiro Croata

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Intimidação

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Sem comentários

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Corporate Fatcat

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Políticos e fraldas

"Os políticos e as fraldas têm uma coisa em comum: ambos têm que ser mudados regularmente, e pelos mesmos motivos."

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"Quero morrer tranquilamente no meu sono como o meu avô e não aos gritos e aos berros como os passageiros do seu carro".

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